Twilight's Edge
by Cardinal Robbins
Summary: They stood in comfortable silence for minutes, watching the glow fade to pink as it disappeared entirely. Olivia broke the silence first, a question edging a corner of her mind. “You really love her, don’t you John?” SVU AU


"Twilight's Edge"

by Cardinal Robbins

Disclaimer: John Munch and Olivia Benson belong to Dick Wolf. The character they're discussing belongs to me, however. For those who keep track, this is about three months after "November Rain." Munch is referring to Zelman, for those who might wonder.

They'd gone 'up top' to the roof, two friends watching as Mother Nature's indigo fingertips reached across the horizon to chase away the fiery crimson, giving way to rose against the myriad shades of blue. The Manhattan skyline twinkled like a million stars, lights coming on in buildings throughout, so prevalent in Midtown – like points of light in the Milky Way – there was no way to count them.

They stood in comfortable silence for minutes, watching the glow fade to pink as it disappeared entirely. Olivia broke the silence first, a question edging a corner of her mind. "You really love her, don't you John?"

He contemplated the question, lights from the skyscraper across the street reflected in his tinted glasses. At last, he answered, sure of his words. "Yes. I do. It's not entirely easy to admit, but there it is."

"What's so hard about it? Did you think it would wear off or maybe wear out?" A breeze ruffled her hair, a slight, almost sad smile on her features.

"Once the gratitude was gone, I wasn't sure where it would leave us," he admitted. "It's simply…strange, Olivia. I've come to the realization she never was with me out of gratitude at all. She's with me because she loves me." For a moment he debated taking off his suit coat, placing it over her shoulders as he had when they were together.

"You sound so amazed, John, like you don't deserve this," she replied. "Your Jewish guilt could give Elliot's Catholic upbringing a run for the money. What is it with you and your need to analyze everything?" She laughed, but it had a rueful edge she immediately regretted. "You drove me crazy with that, you know." Her hand grasped his for the briefest moment, as if to soften her words.

"Did I? I didn't mean to," he said, with a mixture of puzzlement and gentle laughter. "It's just not like me to be lucky in love. I've been married four times, to women who certainly weren't my intellectual equals, who wanted to spend my money faster than I could make it," he lamented, gazing out across the darkened sky. "She asks me for nothing, but gives me so much emotional and intellectual fulfillment. To this day, I don't know why."

Benson had to stop herself, before she looked up in a gesture of exasperation. "Because you deserve it, that's why," she said, matter-of-fact. "I couldn't love you unconditionally, but she can. She has the capability and the will to make that part of your relationship." For a moment, she was envious of someone for having a quality she hadn't quite mastered. "I was always torn, John… You know that. I was always wondering if Elliot would want to take things to the next level, and if he did – "

"Then you would have to go. I knew that, Olivia. It resonated between us, reminding me I could never truly have you, because he already did," he replied softly. "Whether you and Elliot ever get together or not, he'll always have you. I never deluded myself so much to deny what the two of you have." He was thankful for dark glasses; he could always count on them to obscure the emotion in his eyes. Unfortunately, nothing could conceal the nuances of his voice, as he thought back to their nights together.

She could tell his mood was reflective, but she held no false illusions about what they'd had in the past. It had been a tumultuous eleven and a half months, after which he seemed to withdraw emotionally to concentrate on 'The Job.' "You talk like El and I are soul-mates or something. I don't even know if such a thing exists, but I know I love him. Unfortunately, it won't ever be without conditions, limitations…restrictions, since he has a family to think about first." She looked up as the lights from a jet traced its path far above the horizon. "Do you believe in soul-mates, John?"

"I'm beginning to now, but before I would have signed an affidavit it was all a bunch of crap," he said with an indignant huff. "She was right; you never know the circumstances when God will put someone in your life. I didn't think He and I were even on proper speaking terms of late." He wasn't a religious man, but you couldn't do the job he did without a belief there was something better on the other side.

"I'm no expert there, so I wouldn't know what to say. Obviously, you've done something right," she decided. "I think it was when you kept her alive, John. You gave her something – _someone_ – to live for, when she could have easily given up." Olivia had no idea how she would have dealt with the same situation. She did know it would have been so easy to leave, especially without someone there – right there, at that moment – to beat back Death.

"Like I said, it was gratitude that – "

"There's a difference between gratitude and purpose," she insisted.

"I'll concede the point," he said, giving in more easily than he anticipated. "At least she seems to have found her purpose here, with us."

Olivia smiled; a wide, genuine expression of joy reserved for those times when she allowed her heart to open. "Oh, she has, John. But it's not entirely with us."

"Meaning what?" he said, looking at her over the top of his glasses. "Her purpose isn't here?"

"No," she said softly. "It's with _you_."


End file.
